A lavender tale
by Acajou Amarth
Summary: What if Meredith was Addison's sister? What if she still fell in love with Derek? What if something happened that made everything a little more complicated than everyone expected? MerDer angst. With minor Maddison, MerMark and Addek. Very, very angsty.
1. A conversation between two old friends

**A lavander tale**

**Summary: What if Mer was Addie's sister? A little MerDer angst. Couldn't resist, had to write it. With minor Maddison, MerMark and Addek. Not funny. **

**Rating: T, because it's really not funny or nice. I only rated it T, because if I put it in M, less people would read and review. And I need reviews on that one. It's the best thing I ever wrote. I'll tell you if a part is M-rated.**

**WARNING: Very angsty and way too much sex. Expect pain and broken personalities. Derek and Meredith are not the Derek and Meredith we know. They are not okay. Don't think this will be funny. There might be some slightly non-angsty scenes, but this fanfiction is about people who suffer. Derek is no knight in shining whatever. Meredith doesn't believe in true love. Ellis doesn't have Alzheimers, but she's Ellis and she treats Mer like crap. Mark is still a manwhore, but he's truely in love with Addison and only with Mer, because she knows the pain he's going through. Addison loves Derek, but cheats on him from time to time and doesn't feel more than a little bit guilty about it. Cristina, Izzie, George and Alex are barely mentioned and they are not really friends with Mer. They make things funny, so I can't do them justice. Don't expect funny moments. Don't expect fluff. Don't expect true-love-talks. Expect sex. Expect pain. Expect denial and avoidance. Do not expect anything other than that. **

**A/N: I got far too many ideas for MerDer stories and I chose to start with this one, because I think it has the most potential and I feel like writing it. I hope you'll enjoy! R&R please!**

**General stuff: Flashbacks are in italics, the normal parts are, well, normal. I don't do the '_Next:'-_thing at the end of a chapter. Spoils the whole fun. You'll have to live without it. And I ramble. I ramble a lot. This is the perfect story to be rambling about. Seriously.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's, Mer and Der would have to go through even more painful events than they already do. So, be grateful that I don't own Grey's. Well, they would have more sex, though. Sorry that I don't own Grey's.

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_**PART ONE AVOIDANCE IS GOOD, DENIAL IS BETTER**_

_**Chapter One - A conversation between two old friends (Part I)**_

The party still wasn't winding down. Eleven thirtyfive and the guests were still having one hell of a good time. Drunk people, people that would be seriously hungover tomorrow, were stumbling over their own feet, laughing ridiculously loud at bad jokes. Seven of them were currently playing strip poker and had already lost a lot of their laundry. Two were practically having sex on the couch. None of them looked like they were about to leave any time soon. The loud ... well, you couldn't really call it music ... gave him a slight headache.

Derek sighed. The only positive thing about that was that he fortunately didn't know most of them. If he had, there would have been a lot of people with an invitation and there would have been far too many hungover people at the wedding tomorrow, and the last thing they needed was hungover guests. It was bad enough that he wasn't exactly sober right now, even though he wasn't enjoying himself very much. But all those people... Not very nice to deal with. Addison had invited old friends from college over to her house and they had brought their friends. Actually this was supposed to be a little meet-the-groom-get-together little thingy, now it was nothing but chaos and distruction. He missed Mark. His best friend had left two hours ago. His almost-wife wasn't there either, she spent the night in a hotel room, because bride and groom were not supposed to have sex the day before their wedding. Not that that would have been an issue. They were pretty practiced in controlling their lust by now. But Addison had insisted on staying outside of her own house. Derek only wondered why she had invited all those people, if she wasn't even there to introduce him to them. Well, most of them were way too wasted to recognize another human being anyway.

He slowly headed to the stairs. Even if he might not feel like it right now, he needed a little sleep. It was his wedding day tomorrow, after all. Trying to throw all those drunk people out would be a waste of time, they wouldn't move as it were. But when he walked upstairs, he heard the soft sobs of a broken little girl, like he had a thousand times before. He hadn't known Meredith was in the house, he'd expected her to be with Addison, laughing at and teasing her like a real sister was supposed to. But she wasn't. She was crying again. Some would think it was strange for her to cry, because she was seventeen now, but her age didn't really matter to him. The only thing that did matter was the tears that constantly ran down her cheeks and the sobs she tried to stop from coming when she saw him. There was something very familiar about this situation, actually they had been in it about threethousand times. Okay, maybe only threehundred. Whatever.

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_**Flashback I - Noone can hurt you**_

"_Meredith, it's okay. I'm here. I'm here for you. Tell me what happened and I'll fix it. Everything's alright. You can talk to me, Mer. I'm here."_

_The little girl on the floor looked up, tears escaping her eyes.  
_

"_Mark stole my teddy! I was just playing with him and then Mark came and stole him from me! He yelled at me and took my teddy and left... I don't understand why he's always stealing my teddy! I mean, what is he doing with my teddy? It's a teddy. My teddy. What is Mark supposed to do with it? My point is, Mark stole my teddy..."_

_Derek smiled. She always tended to ramble when she was freaking out about something or someone. He thought it was awfully cute, but of course he didn't think this whole situation was good. Mark always hurt Meredith when he was not alright and Derek hated the fact that he used Addie's little sister to get over his problems. He had no right to hurt Meredith. She was too little to be able to protect herself. And she was too little to understand why he was acting this way. Even Derek had a hard time figuring out what was going on inside of his best friend. He only knew that it was incredibly unfair to take all his anger out on a seven-year-old._

_He sat down next to her on the floor and wrapped an arm around her till she stopped crying, whispering sweet little nothings of comfort and compassion. Then she said, not really convincing anyone:_

"_I'm fine."_

"_You're fine.", he repeated, softly caressing her cheek with his thumb, while he smiled his special smile. The smile that made everything okay. If he had known that this smile would make her fall for him one day, he might not have used it to fix everything. But he had, silently cursing Mark for making this cute tiny blonde girl cry for no good reason. When she got up, whiping away her tears, he made sure she was alright, before he went off looking for the heartless guy who had stolen Meredith's teddy.

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**Chapter One - A conversation between two old friends (Part II)** _

Meredith was sitting on the floor again, leaning against the door of her room, just like she always was when she cried, her head resting in her hands, her knees pulled tightly to her tiny body, the cute blonde waves of hair cascading over her shoulders, uncontrolled sobs escaping from her mouth. He could see a half empty bottle of tequila next to her. Sometimes he hated the fact that she was a grown-up now. If she was younger, she wouldn't be drowning her sorrow in tequila. But the whole rest of the situation was too familiar. He sat down next to her and she looked up into his eyes, hers filled with tears and pain.

"I'm here, Mer.", he simply said, knowing he wouldn't have to say more. Nothing mattered but him being here for her. It had always been like that.

"Mark... He broke up with me... He just left me, telling me he didn't love me, he had never loved me and that I'd deserve better than that... and he left, Derek, he just left. Without an explanation. He just left, leaving me all alone. I don't... I can't... I don't want to be alone..." Her tears almost broke him. She didn't deserve that kind of treatment. Once again, Mark had messed her up really badly. He wrapped his arms around her and she leaned her head to his chest till her sobs were replaced by silent tears, her breathing calming down. She smelled like that mysterious flower he always sensed when he was around her. Unfortunately he still didn't know what it was. There had never been a good time to ask. Most of the time when they were this close she was crying, like she was now. God, he didn't want her to cry... He whispered softly:

"You're not alone, Mer. I'm here. I will always be here."

The noice from the party downstairs almost didn't reach them. They were just sitting here, forgetting about the rest of the world. It didn't matter to them. She had her face burried in his strong chest, his arms softly around her small frame, while he looked down at the beautiful tiny blonde that cried in his arms. It was almost unbelievable that she was Addison's sister, well, stepsister really. They were so different, not only from the way they looked. Addie liked to 'dress to impress', her red hair and her perfect body turning every man on. She liked the influence she had on male acquaintances or even on guys she didn't know at all. Meredith was more natural, wearing ordinary and comfortable clothes and almost no make-up and most of the guys she dealt with in her everyday life thought of her as a good buddy or had a hidden crush on her. Nobody was surprised if some guy had a crush on Addison. She knew how men responded to her. Everybody desired her. And everybody loved Meredith. Meredith didn't try to make guys want her and had no idea how many of her male friends had a secret crush on her. They fell for her, because she was natural and real. Beautiful, just like her sister, but still so different. Derek wondered for a moment if she knew how many people would prefer her to Addison, then he interrupted himself. He was getting married tomorrow, how could he even think about men preferring Meredith? But on the other hand... It was not like he was referring to himself, was it?

Suddenly Meredith's voice interrupted his train of thoughts.

"I never loved him."

Her head was still leaning on his chest, her beautiful eyes open now, but avoiding his gaze.

"Why were you with him?", Derek asked, surprisingly relieved by the simple statement she had made. He didn't even know why he was relieved about that.

"I didn't want to be alone. You and Addie were always busy and my other friends live in Seattle. Mark was the only one who was available. And then he asked me out, so I went out with him. It hadn't exactly been a bad thing, having a boyfriend, I mean."

Somehow he knew she was covering the truth. He didn't assume she was lying, she just didn't tell everything.

"Especially because Addie was jealous.", she laughed a little and Derek knew she wouldn't have said that if she hadn't had this much tequila.

"You should stop getting drunk every time you have a problem. Tequila isn't good for you. Doesn't call, doesn't write, certainly not a very pleasant thing to wake up to." He smiled again, still unaware of the fact that this was his McDreamy smile and that Mer was so falling for it every time he gave her that look.

"So", he went on, now looking directly into her eyes, "my almost wife was jealous because you were dating Mark?" He tried to sound funny, but really he was disappointed. He didn't want to talk about Addison and Mark. He wasn't blind, there had been a lot of sexual tension going on between them. Not that he thought she was cheating on him. Addison would never cheat on him. Again, Meredith's voice brought him back to reality.

"He loves her.", she said, her eyes filling with tears. Somehow Derek knew those tears were not only caused by the fact that Mark had dumped her, but also by the fact that she was in love with someone she knew she couldn't have. Mark had make some remarks about that, laughing at her, like he always was. He had been good for her, in his very Mark kind of way. He had made her happy, but now she needed to move on. Maybe with this mysterious guy she was pining for. He was just wondering who he was and if he deserved her. After all, she was Meredith, and he didn't like seeing her drunk and broken. What really surprised him was that he cared more about her than about Mark and Addison, the woman he was going to get married to the next day. It didn't seem quite as important as the fact that Mer deserved someone who could really make her happy.

"Why were you with him?", he repeated, holding her even closer, his face half-burried in her beautiful hair, breathing in her scent that always made him feel like he was safe.

"Because it hurt you."

* * *

**So, Mark just dumped Mer. Why? We'll hear about that later. And Derek is here, all sweet and nice, like he's always been, and well, Mer's pretty desperate and they're both pretty damn drunk. And then she says something like 'Because it hurt you'. Hell, that's a freaking huge statement. And we'll see how Derek deals with it, if he even gets what she's saying. After all, he is supposed to get married to her sister – well, actually stepsister, since Ellis Grey, who had a daughter, got married to John Charles Montgomery II, who had a daughter as well - Addison the next day. Don't ask why he got drunk, I just needed him to get drunk to make the storyline, plot, whatever work. Sorry about that. And Mer's only seventeen which makes it kind of strange that she's drunk since she legally shouldn't be, but hey, who keeps to the rules? And her boyfriend just ditched her. Plus, it's Derek's wedding day tomorrow. So, yeah. She has a reason to be drunk. Don't blame her. **

**Reviews are seriously appreciated. Seriously, seriously appreciated. I love reviews. And this is the best story I ever wrote. And I already know about really hot MerDer sex in the future. My point is: You want me to continue, right? **


	2. No need for morning after talks

**A/N: Thanks a lot for the reviews. Hope I won't disappoint you. This chapter is not as well-written as the last one, but it's more like a filler than like anything else. Anyway, I hope you'll keep reviewing. Means a lot to me.**

**Disclaimer: Do you seriously think I want to claim Grey's right now? No. No way. I'm not crazy. Every single MerDer fan on the planet would pretty much want to see me dead. (Or at least McInsensitiveJackass.) But if I owned Grey's, I'd fix things (or kill him for all our sakes).**_**  
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_**Chapter Two - No need for morning-after-talks**_

The first thing Mark knew when he woke up was that there were a lot of things that he was supposed to regret by now. The pounding headache reminded him of the four glasses of scotch he had had yesterday. The unknown bed he was lying in told him he'd cheated on Meredith. A look in the mirror across the bed assured him he'd at least broken up with her before he'd done that, since there was no other explanation for the reddish bruise on his cheek. It was not until he saw the attractive redhead that stood at the door, obviously waiting for him to get out of her bed that he realized just how big his mistake was.

"Addison."

"Get dressed, Mark.", she demanded, a polite smile on her face.

"Don't you wanna talk about this?", Mark asked, wondering how she could be so good about this. She was going to get married today, for god's sake!

Addison frowned. Could he not just accept that this had been about sex? Mark of all people was supposed to know what a one-night-stand was.

"No. We're both adults. We are friends of the opposite sex and both not without our charms. So it was pretty obvious this would happy some day. And it did. Big deal. It's not important."

"But..."

She cut him off.

"I love my fiancé, Mark. Just because you and I had sex that doesn't change."

She smiled at him again and went out the door, leaving him sitting in her hotel room bed, still naked. The wedding would take place in five hours.

"It wasn't just sex for me...", he whispered after he knew his best friend's soon-to-be-wife and his ex-girlfriend's sister couldn't hear him anymore.

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"Derek. Derek, you need to get up." 

A soft, but alarmed voice woke him. The first thing he knew was that he had definitely had to much scotch last night. A sharp, mercyless pain shot through his head and made it hard for him to open his eyes. Even when he was finally able to, his vision was a little blurry and he had no idea where he was. He hated hangovers. There were more pleasant things than headaches. And he was not supposed to wake up in some room he had never seen before. Okay, maybe he had, but he couldn't quite identify it.

"What?", he murmured, still not really aware of where he was or who he was talking to.

"It's nine twentyfour, you're getting married at eleven. You need to get up.", Meredith said, now sounding really alarmed. This was the most stupid thing she had ever done. Plus, she had a hangover. She was late, he was late. Crap. Not the way she had wanted to say goodbye to the man who was going to marry her sister. Not that she had wanted to say goodbye at all. At least not that way. Actually she had never planned on any of this to happen. But maybe it was better this way. She'd had what she had always wanted and now there was no time to have one of those awkward 'morning-after talks'. This was crazy and awkward and incredibly stupid enough as it were.

"Are we going to talk about this?", he said, now realizing exactly what had happened the night before. And after all, he was still naked in her small bed. She was already dressed, now waiting for him to get out of her room. Shit. Holy shit. This had not happened. There was no way this had happened. She... She was like his sister, he couldn't have... no. Never. And he was about to get married to Addison, her older sister, and... Noone could know about this. He had the scotch he could blame, and the way she smelled. Not that there was anything to blame for. Nothing had happened. Nothing had happened. Nothing had happened. Nothing had-... No. No way. Yet, he knew denial wouldn't get him anywhere.

"No.", she threw some of his clothes, which had been all over the floor, in his direction, "There's nothing to talk about. We were drunk, I needed to get the chance of moving on, considering the fact that you're getting married to my sister today. I needed to say goodbye. I said goodbye. So, I'm over you. You need to go now."

She was slightly rambling, avoiding to look at him. For a tiny moment, he wondered why she didn't have an equally bad hangover. Or maybe she had, she was just used to it. He was almost certain she had, after all, he had seen her in a pretty bad shape a few times before and she had been able to handle it well the next morning. Then he stopped thinking and stared at her with a pleading look in his eyes. Even if she didn't, he needed to talk about it. But she didn't even look in his direction. She was already looking for her keys.

"Meredith..."

"See you in an hour."

With that she left the room, closing the door on her way out. He stared at it for a while, feeling surprisingly empty. He had expected guilt and the 'Oh my god, what have I done' feeling, and he was sure it would get to him soon enough, but right now he only felt emptiness. A void that needed to be filled. He hadn't felt empty before, not like that. Something told him last night had created this void and he'd never be able to make it disappear again. It wasn't a painful hole in his heart or anything comparable to that, just a void that begged to be filled again. The door was probably not a good thing to stare at if he wanted to forget about it. Then again, he had no idea what 'it' was in the first place.

He got up and got dressed. He was going to get married in an hour.

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**I'm not quite sure whether I like this chapter. It's pretty short, especially if you compare it to the last one, but I couldn't find more words to describe what's happening. And it wouldn't be good if I wrote what exactly is going through both their minds. And if you expected a nice little sex scene, well, you'll have to wait a little. It will be a flashback in one of the later chapters. I really like flashbacks. Sorry. I just figured it would be a whole lot more shocking if I used this particular one later. Trust me, it's good the way it is. I know what I'm doing.  
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**And, just to make sure you got it (I really like rambling, that's the only reason why I'm telling you), Mer and Der had sex. Hot, drunk sex in her bed and, well, in other parts of her room. You'll read about that later. Anyway, they had sex. The night before Derek gets married to Meredith's sister. He does get married, don't even think he's gonna call the wedding off because he realizes he's actually in love with Mer. It's not that kind of story.**

**Besides, this is only the second chapter. Muhahaha! I got the power! I can tell them what to do! McShithead in real-life-Grey's is nothing compared to this McDreamy, who's less cruel and more... well... naked. Sorry about that. I'll stop rambling now. Yeah. Now.  
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	3. Screw up by screwing your best friend

**Disclaimer: If Grey's was my show, Mer and Der would get their bright and shiny ever after. Starting: now. What does that tell you? Yeah, I don't own GA. Shame.**

**A/N: Hey there. I'm back. Sorry it took me so long to update, but my laptop's broken and the internet didn't work either, so yeah. Sorry. Oh, and thanks for the amazing reviews. I couldn't possibly stop writing this story after reading what you guys wrote. You don't know how happy that makes me. So, enough with the rambling about my gratitude towards you all, let's start with the rambling about this chapter. I kind of like it, it's a little less angsty in the middle than the usual stuff I write in this fic. I'm not quite sure whether it's good enough, though. And... sorry about the salmon dress. I'm never going to describe an Addek wedding again, so I had to make Addison wear one this time. Just for fun. I know she'd look good in white, too. But I really miss the salmon scrubs. Whatever. Enjoy the chapter and please, please keep reviewing!**

**rebelliousflower89: Uh, their age is a topic I was going to avoid telling about, because it might sound a little sick. I think I already wrote that Mer's 17. Well, the others are, uh, about ten years older. Sorry. Don't kill me, I know what that sounds like. I only thought, why not keep to the show? **

**anon: Meredith is hungover, but you know Mer, she's hungover all the time. She knows how to hide and deal with it.**

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It was a nice, ordinary ceremony. Addison looked fantastic in her salmon coloured dress and Derek looked equaly handsome in his black tuxedo, just the way everybody expected the happy couple to be. Everything went exactly the way it was supposed to and there were no kinds of awkward scenes at all. It was just another 'fairytale come true wedding', like Meredith said at the party afterwards. Even she, who was the maid of honor, and the best man, Mark, seemed happy about the way things were. Seemed being the operative word.

Derek didn't look into her eyes once during the whole ceremony. He did look at her every once in a while, but he didn't let their eyes meet. Mark didn't look at Addie at all. He just focused on how happy his best friend was and ignored the fact that Derek just got married to the woman Mark had thought he would see walk down the aisle at their own wedding one day. Meredith pretended nothing had happened. She smiled at both Derek and Addie equally and denied that she wasn't truely happy for them. She lived her life under a banner of avoidance. Actually she was the freaking queen of denial. And since Derek chose to ignore her and probably hated her, she was at least happy for her sister. That was what she said at the end of her little maid of honor speech at the party.

"I'm the maid of honor, so I suppose it's my job to have a little speech. I must warn you, I seriously suck at this and, well, things happened that kind of threw me off my guard, so I don't have a clue what to say now."

She paused for a moment, everybody thinking she was referring to her little break-up with Mark. The rumour had spread quickly, some of the guests had been at the party last night and seen Meredith stumbling upstairs, crying and with a bottle of tequila in her hand – she was grateful they had been too wasted to recognize anything but more booze by the time Derek had followed her – and noone had been able to overlook the fact that Meredith and Mark hadn't arrived at the wedding together and barely talked. Well, having people she didn't even know talking about her and her private life sucked, but at least it drew the attention from the looks she and Derek gave each other once in a while, or the looks they should and didn't share.

"Well, I guess I'll just start with the usual stuff.", Meredith went on with her speech, causing a few people to chuckle silently, her friends who knew exactly that she hadn't lied about the 'no idea what to say' part of her last sentence. But Meredith herself didn't really feel like laughing, she got more and more desperate every minute, because at least the speech should have been perfect tonight.

"I've known Addie almost all my life and even though she technically isn't my real sister but just my stepsister, she always meant so much to me that the blood bonds didn't really matter. I remember when I was five years old and new in town, new in the house, new in the family and she was there and tried to get to know me, even though I was extremely shy. Well, obviously she didn't succeed, because if she did, she'd never let me be her maid of honor."

She paused again, a slightly pained expression in her eyes as she realized how appropriate this comment was. If Addie knew about last night, Meredith would lie in a corner bleeding to death. The guests on the other hand thought it had been a joke and laughed loudly. She forced her lost smile back on her face and continued.

"Just kidding. All I'm saying is that she means a lot to me. She used to be a little scary though, with this whole bright and shiny thing she had going on."

More laughter.

"Glad she's more like a human being now and dark and twisty from time to time. And Derek..."

Now she finally let her eyes wander to his face. He looked good, of course he looked good, and he looked back. She was glad he did, because if he still avoided her gaze, it would look a little bit strange and make people jump to the right conclusions, but she couldn't help but wonder why he had too look at her so intensely. She lost herself in his blue eyes and it took a moment until she recovered from the look he was giving her, like nothing had happened, like they were still the same, old friends, nothing more, but yet with a passion that she hadn't expected, that even he hadn't expected. It made her want to gasp for air and then run away, but she only took a deep breath, broke their eye contact and went on.

"Derek's been my best friend ever since I first met him and I know he deserves all the happiness in the world. Addie, she makes him happy. She makes him complete. And he makes her happy and complete. And if neither of them screws up, this is forever."

She was so lost in her rambling and trying to focus on avoiding another direct contact with Derek's eyes that she didn't realize that the word 'screw' might not have been the wisest thing to say. It made several people in the room react spontaniously in a very awkward way. Derek Shepherd flinched and looked guilty, Addison Montgomery-Shepherd shifted her weight uncomfortably and her smile became a little less wide, and Mark Sloan looked down on his half-empty glass, his hands clinched into fists and an almost angry expression on his face. Well, Meredith Grey didn't see that, she was too focused on pretending she was actually happy for the happy couple. So she just kept talking, her speech getting a little cheesy, the rambling getting worse.

"I have a very strong feeling that this is forever. You guys were always meant to be. This fairytale come true wedding is only the beginning. You have until the end of your days when you're both an old boring married couple and Addie still dyes her hair red and still loves her 1034 pairs of shoes and Der hopefully still has his hair and still loves fairy boats."

Now everyone burst into loud laughter. It bought Der, Addie and even Mark a little time to relax and join the amused guests in laughing and making jokes.

"Whatever. I hope I didn't bore you to death, I know that I tend to ramble. There's a time for being dark and twisty and there's a time for being bright and shiny. Guess what time it is now!"

She raised her glass of champaign, everybody else immediately doing the same thing.

"To Mr and Mrs Shepherd! We all know they'll last forever, so I won't say anything stupid like 'May they be bright and shiny till the end of their days!'. I'll just say 'To Derek and Addison!'. Thanks for giving us poor lonely souls hope."

The guests applauded for a short while, then Meredith sat back down, her gaze meeting Mark's. They let their eyes speak for themselves. This was the one thing the dirty mistresses had always been able to do.

'This is bad, Mark.'

'I know. I'm not having too much of a good time either.'

They both sighed and shrugged their shoulders simultaniously, then went back to focussing on the dessert.

* * *

After everyone had finished eating, Meredith got up and walked over to her sister and her husband. Addie looked great. She looked happy. 

"Hey, Ad."

"Hey! That was quite a little speech you made!"

"Yeah, apparently I'm good at rambling about everything from the top of my head and make it sound like it's actually going somewhere."

A giggle escaped Mer's lips and Derek's head shot around immediately as he heard the cute little noise. He could smell her from the short distance and his eyes met hers.

"Ah, the groom.", she smiled, trying to sound the way she usually did around Derek, even though the breath flew out of her lungs, which made her words seem a little breathless, and her fingers flinched.

"What do you think about my speech? Too dark and twisty?"

She laughed a little and he decided to play her game. After all, he couldn't really believe he had slept with her. He knew he had, but he couldn't believe it. Not when she acted as if nothing had happened.

"No... No, it was perfect. Very good. Proud of you."

He smirked and gave her an appreciative nod. Meredith smiled at him and Addie and said, her voice sounding convinced:

"Proud of you two, too."

There was a little moment of silence, not awkward silence, just silence with smiles and looks, then she let them know:

"I think I'm heading home. I still have a major hangover from last night's party and I'm not planning on getting another one. And if I stayed, I'd need booze. It sucks being the only one in here who's still sober."

"Hey, I'm sober, too!", Derek exclaimed and laughed. The referance to yesterday had been a little weird, because she acted like it wasn't strange to talk about it so openly in front of the guy she had slept with that night, but her relaxed and convincingly happy features made it impossible to feel bad about it, so he just continued to be 'bright and shiny'-Derek.

"Well, I'm not.", Addie admitted, a huge happy grin on her face.

"You get that drunken brides suck, right?", Mer asked her sister, now totally believing in the happiness she pretended she felt.

"HEY! I'M NOT THAT DRUNK!"

"Whatever. I'm gonna go, now."

Meredith laughed again, now looking at Derek, and whispered:

"Before she decaputates me."

Derek chuckled. Yeah, Addison could indeed be dangerous. The tiny blonde let out another small giggle and gave the not-that-drunk bride a big hug.

"I love you, sis. Be happy, Addie. Promise."

Addie replied grumpily:

"Sure."

When Meredith let go of her sister and pulled Derek towards her until he was in her arms, his heart skipped a beat or two. She smelled like... She smelled like last night. Having his arms wrapped around her was not even close to what it had been like before things happened. There was nothing innocent, nothing friendlike about it anymore. Now it was dangerous. Their bodies this close to each other's were dangerous. His hands, that he had to control to neither wander over her body nor push her away from him, were dangerous. Her intoxicating aroma was dangerous. He wanted to turn back time, run away, whatever he had to do to be able to believe that nothing had happened, but if he did run, Addison would grow suspicious. Meredith would grow suspicious. Derek himself would grow suspicious. Suspicious, because it meant more than it should, especially to him. Especially because Meredith pretended that nothing had happened. This had changed too much. He had let it change too much. Never, never ever would he have suspected that some day he'd have a hard time keeping his body response in check while he was only doing so much as hugging his best friend. She was only his best friend, for god's sake, someone who he had always thought of as a sister or something remotely similar to that. He finally allowed himself to step back, trying hard to not clear his throat. The look in her eyes had changed, too, he could see that even though he didn't dare to actually look at her, and he released his breath, that he hadn't even been aware of holding, slowly and quitely.

"Well, yeah... Uh... Have a nive life, Derek. ... Seriously... A very nice life. And make Addie happy. Be happy. Well, of course you'll be happy. Goodbye... Uh... Derek."

She left him standing there, the sweet scent burned into his mind, asking himself if he'd ever be able to smell it again without thinking of that one fatal night. He watched her hurry out the door in her golden dress and he couldn't help but think she was running away from him. He felt cold, and not because of the cool wind that rushed into the room as she closed the door behind her.

* * *

Meredith practically ran out of the room after rambling a few phrases of goodbye. Her heart was beating faster than it should. She shouldn't have hugged him. She shouldn't even have touched him tonight. It had been obvious, that he'd felt the same way as she had when he had put his arms around her, his entire body stiff and in control. It hadn't been just a hug, it had been a fight between her strengh and his willpower. Recalling the look in his eyes when he finally let go of her made her shiver. Derek didn't look or not look at her this way. It was almost frightning. Not the kind of look she was able to keep pretending nothing had happened under. She had almost been able to sense the thoughts that were running through his mind in highspeed, not thoughts of anger and hate, just confusion and... desire. Desire that he couldn't even explain himself, let alone her. Where had it come from? Just from last night? Meredith had tried, tried hard not to let anyone see that something had happened, most of all to not make him feel guilty or uncomfortable, and one single hug had erased all her efforts. 

"Damnit!", she cursed when she tripped over a stone, but not really because of the pain that shot through her toes. She should not have hugged him.

A familiar voice interrupted her train of thoughs.

"You're going to break something if you keep walking at this speed with those shoes."

She stopped and turned around.

"Mark."

It was neither a question, nor an accusation, simply a statement.

"You slept with Derek last night, didn't you?", her ex-boyfriend asked matter of factly.

Anger rushed through her veins. He had no right to ask her that. No right.

"You broke up with me to sleep with Addison. Don't make me feel guilty, because of what I did. You're no better than I am."

Mark shook his head.

"I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I'm the last one to judge you. It's a fact that you guys had sex. I was only stating it."

He walked towards her and pulled her into his arms when she started sobbing. Her tiny body was shaking and she felt cold.

"I didn't think it would screw things up that much, Mark...", she whispered. "I only wanted to say goodbye and you were gone, somewhere, fucking my sister, and I-..."

Mark interrupted her, softly rubbing her back.

"I don't feel great either, Meredith, trust me. I'll try to stop being a jackass."

She knew what he was doing. He was pretending it was his fault, that it had been him who'd hurt her so much by being mean to her, that he didn't know she was in love with her best friend who'd just gotten married to her sister. He avoided the topic, ignored it, just like he always did. It was a silent agreement not to talk about their true feelings. They were in a good relationship, noone doubted that, they had awesome sex and they weren't all alone in the world. That part was no lie, and since they never talked about emotions as it were, it didn't really matter that the rest, the part that made a relationship special, had never been there.

"That would be nice.", she sniffed, whiping her tears away. There she was again. The strong Meredith. The Meredith who was fine. The Meredith who didn't let anyone see her weakness. The fake Meredith. Mark gave her a tight hug and then pulled away.

"Come on, I'll drive you home."

* * *

**So, Mer and Der fail misserably at pretending nothing happened between them (at least inside), the wedding did happen - sorry guys, I don't like it either - and we have a little MerMark reunion. I know that's not exactly what you expected, but - I already told you, this is not going to be a nice short easy journey. It's hard and sometimes we hate what they do, just like real life Grey's. **

**Yeah, that's all the rambling I got for you today. Strange, huh? I really think the chapter speaks for itself. R&R, please!**


	4. Friends talk and sisters have secrets

**Disclaimer: I own a lot of ideas that simply drive me crazy, but Grey's? Nah, sorry ter disappoint yeh. Not mine. **

**A/N: Haven't updated in a while, I know. Probably won't update for a while after this one either. But I'll never really abandon this fanfic. My excuse for not updating? Well... I was busy writing 73 pages of a new MerDer story (a funny one) - which might show up soon and might be called "Why we can't hate Dr McDreamy" - and planning out the entire sequel of it. Like I said, too many ideas. Hope you can forgive me. Enjoy the new chapter!**

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**_Chapter Four - Friends talk and sisters have secrets_**

"I'm going to tell you something. And you have to swear, you won't judge me or kill me or tell Addison."

"Oh, what have you done?", Mark said(, sounding strangely like Cristina, even though no one knew her yet. He just liked saying it).

Derek took another sip of his scotch, avoiding to look at his best friend. Right now, he was the freaking king of avoidance. Which brought his thoughts back to Meredith while thinking about this rather pathetic fact. Usually she was queen of avoidance, but her behavior at the wedding had surprised him. She had actually been able to pretend nothing had happened. Maybe she was queen of denial and he was king of avoidance. They'd have been a nice, avoiding and denying couple, if they'd ever gotten together. Not that there had ever been a chance of them getting together. And this one stupid drunk night had only been about sex as it were. Whatever.

"Swear.", he said, trying to not seem afraid of admitting what he was about to.

Mark sighed, not knowing why Derek was acting so weird. Okay, he had an idea, but he thought his best friend was a little too worried and too affected by this. He was overreacting. Or he felt guilty. Still, too much to be only guilt.

"Okay, I swear.", he finally said. Derek wouldn't shut up if he didn't tell him and he needed him to shut up so that he could continue brooding over his very own mistakes. If you could call them mistakes.

They both stared absent minded at their half empty glasses of single malt scotch. They had always had the same taste in alcohol and women.

"I slept with Meredith.", Derek finally blurred out.

Mark didn't seem to be too shocked. In fact, he only took another sip from his scotch and said:

"I know."

Derek's head turned towards him and he shot a surpised glance at his best friend. There was no way she had told him. He was her exboyfriend. And her other best friend.

"She told you?", he asked, now truely disturbed. Mark let out a small and joyless laugh.

"Didn't have to. She was calm and relaxed during the wedding. She wouldn't have been calm and relaxed if she had never been with you before she lost you forever."

"So you won't kill me?", Derek uttered after a while. He was still thinking about the not so calm and relaxed way she had excused herself after she had hugged him. And about his own reaction to the close proximity.

"No, of course not. I just think it's sad.", Mark rolled his eyes at his best friends and skipped the rest of his scotch down. It left an unusually suffocating burn behind.

"Yeah, me too. Do you think she hates me?"

"No. She will never hate you. Even if you hurt her really bad. And you've already done that by marrying her sister. Just don't talk to her about what happened. She doesn't want to. She just needed to say goodbye. It's a memory now and she's doing her best trying to move on."

Was he talking about Meredith and Derek or about him and Addison? He wasn't even sure himself.

"She really doesn't want to talk about it?", Derek asked, his entire weight now on his hands that his face was buried in. Mark sighed.

"She really doesn't want to talk about it."

"Why did you break up with her?"

Mark waited so long with the answer that Derek almost thought he wasn't going to get one at all. He had this look in his eyes, like he didn't want to. But he did. It sounded tired, like he regretted something. Well, who didn't?

"I only broke up with her, because I knew this was the last chance for us both to get drunk enough to do something really stupid."

Derek was quiet for a while, thinking this was one of the most awkward conversations he'd ever had. And one of the most honest. He hadn't known Mark was able to do serious talk. He hadn't even thought he'd be able to do serious talk himself. Yet, here he was, doing serious talk with his best friend, the one guy who was even more screwed up than he was. It had always been this way.

"What was your stupid something?", he asked, not even really interested in a reply.

"You don't need to know. It doesn't matter now anyway."

Mark sighed again, thinking something like 'Be grateful you don't know. If you would... You wouldn't ask me not to kill you. You'd kill me.'. After all, he had slept with Addison. Which had been a mistake. But he seemed to regret it more than she did. All she had said was that she had always wanted him. And all he had replied was that he'd always loved her. She hadn't even bothered to answer that. She hadn't taken him serious. He was just Mark. Mark, the manwhore. Mark, the guy who dated Addie's sister, but didn't really want to be with her. Mark, the guy who couldn't love anyone but himself. For her, it had been sex. For him on the other hand...

"Do you love her?", Derek interrupted his train of thoughts. Mark had to react quickly to not reply as if his best friend was asking him about his wife. After a short pause, he said:

"Meredith? No, I don't. But she makes me happy. She makes me forget. I make her happy and forget. And since she doesn't love me either, we are just there for each other. It's not a perfect relationship, but it's all the two of us can get. Nobody should be lonely."

"Never hurt her again, Mark. Because if you do, I will hurt you. She deserves all the happiness in the world."

"I know.", he said, a sad tone in his voice.

'So does Addie.', he added in his mind.

* * *

"I did something really, really stupid.", Addison uttered after fourty-two minutes of silent movie-watching with her stepsister. 

"We have all done stupid things."

Meredith kept her eyes on the screen. She didn't care about the movie. Not at all. She didn't even know what it was about. She was too lost in her thoughts. Thoughs she couldn't ever share with the person sitting next to her.

"You want to know what it was?", her sister tried again.

"No.", Meredith sighed. Then, after Addison shot her a confused look:

"There's this rule among sisters: 'You tell me, I tell you.' And I don't want to tell you. You don't need to know. Doesn't matter anymore as it is."

For a short moment Addison felt offended.

"You have a stupid something you don't want to tell me about? Whatever happened to our whole 'sisters tell each other everything' thing?", she asked, a slightly blaming tone in her voice.

"Even sisters have secrets, Addison."

'Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd', she completed in her mind. Shepherd. It was supposed to be _her_ last name, not her sisters. Jealousy between siblings was not wise at all. Still, she couldn't help but envy her. He was all she'd ever wanted and all she never got. Especially not now. Meredith knew she should be happy for Addie. But she wasn't. She wasn't happy, because one single night was all _she'_d ever get and Addison managed to get his last name. Somehow, that wasn't fair.

"Yes, I guess they do.", the redhead said, both disappointed and relieved that there would be no sharing today.

Their concentration went back to the movie. Or to whatever place they'd been before Addison had started talking.

* * *

**Yeah, I probably should have warned you. It's more like a filler than like an actual chapter and not good at all. I don't like it.**

**I remain, ladies and gentlemen, in desperate hope I still have readers. Have a nice day and stuff! And don't forget to review! Saves my day!**


	5. Meeting your eyes reopens the wound

**A/N: Hey there guys. Actually I didn't think I was going to keep posting this story / writing on it, since I'm very busy writing that other story that is yet to show up here, the one I told you about last chapter (I'm at 149 pages now and not even half done). But I read this one again and decided I'll at least try to update. Hope I still have readers.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's. If I did, I'd be even more bright and shiny that I already am these days, which would be just sick, because I'm Meredith and Meredith and me, we don't do bright and shiny. And I'm bright and shiny. Yup, rambling. Whatever. Have fun!**

_**

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Chapter Five - Meeting your eyes reopens the wound (Part 1)**_

"What?"

"Katie's parents have questions, do you talk to them or do I ask Burke?"

"No, Burke's off the case. Katie belongs to the new attending now, Dr Shepherd. He's over there."

'Shepherd?', she thought, slightly panicking but trying to convince herself there had to be more than one attending called Shepherd in the states and that she was probably just very tired, which caused her to think about Derek at all. And besides, she was always thinking about Derek. At least very often. Too often. And it wasn't her fault that apparently there was some guy named Shepherd working here.

Then she looked up to see a familiar face with amazing hair. She stumbled back in shock. No. NO! He could not be here! The new attending? Dr _Derek_ Shepherd? Meredith stood rooted to the spot, her face twisted with disbelieve and pain.

And then he looked up from his chart as if he'd felt that someone was watching him. Their eyes connected for a second. The first time they had dared to look each other in the eyes in years, even though this look was just an accident. Hell, this look was too intense, too familiar. And he smiled. Well, his smile faded when their eyes locked, but it was there, inside of his dancing blue eyes.

Too much. Too much for her to take, too much for her to deal with. She didn't need Derek. Not now. Her life was messed up enough as it were. And now he was looking at her, smiling that damn... dreamy smile she knew so well, the one she had been wanting to forget for ten years now.

She turned around instictively and ran out of the hall, hoping like hell he hadn't recognized her. Denial. Her good old friend. It had always done a good job covering the damage, the bruises inside. It wasn't working this way. Not today. Not with Derek. She knew exactly he had understood exactly who he was looking at.

_**Flashback**__** III - Tense conversations are hell**_

"_So, how are you?"_

"_I'm fine, thanks. You?"_

"_I'm fine, too. What are you doing in med school right now?"_

"_Nothing special. Just ... med school."_

"_Do you still like being a med student?"_

"_It's not bad. Could be better, but it isn't bad. And I got Mark helping me."_

"_You guys are still together?"_

"_So are you and Addie."_

"_We're married, that's different."_

"_Yes, of course. Where is she tonight?"_

"_Where is Mark?"_

"_Emergency surgery. God, I could use emergency surgery right now..."_

"_Yeah, me too."_

_**Chapter Five – Meeting your eyes reopens the wound (Part 2)**_

She ran. She was running. Away from him. He did not want her to run. So instead of ignoring the familiar spin of his stomach he ran after her. She was not going to avoid this. Not now, not here. What was she doing here? An intern? Why had he not known she'd do her recidency at Seattle Grace? Not that they talked a lot. Forced, when there was a family diner. But she had avoided those mostly. And now she wanted to avoid him again. She would not succeed. He wouldn't let her. He couldn't let her.

He finally caught up with her and sprinted so he could stop right in front of her. He didn't dare touch her, but he didn't need to. She came to a halt as soon as he was in her range of vision.

"Meredith, can I talk to you for a second?", he asked, a little out of breath because of the useless running.

"Actually I was... And-... Dr Shepherd.", she stuttered, eyes anywhere but at him.

"Dr Shepherd? Usually it's Derek, now it's Dr Shepherd?", Derek said, hating himself for having put them in this situation at the same instant.

She turned around, walked over to the door that lead to the stairwells and gestured him to follow him in. As soon as the door was closed behind them, she stayed where she was, her back to him, because she obviously didn't want to look at him. Somehow that made him angry. How had they become two people who couldn't even look at each other? Not that he had a problem with looking at her. She had a very nice backside and the cute little ponytail was a turn-on, too. Which was something he should not be thinking. Anyway, her refusing to face him made him angry.

"Dr Shepherd, we should pretend it never happened.", she stated with a forced calm.

"What never happened? You sleeping with me the day before my wedding?"

He didn't know where that had come from. Or the indignant frustration in his voice. He simply said it, what was on his mind. Because it was. It occupied his every thought. Which made him crazy.

"Listen, I get it. You are upset. You hate me. I can live with that. Just keep this professional."

He could hear the panic and the pain in her voice, but he didn't care. She couldn't just pretend nothing had happened, for crying out loud!

"Professional? You seriously want to make us Dr Shepherd and Dr Grey?"

Even in his question it sounded delusional.

"Yes. And no talking about what happened. This is bad enough as it is."

It was. Definitely. But he was not going to let her just walk away with it. If she didn't want to talk, fine. But he wanted to know why she'd done it in the first place.

"Why did you tell me, if you didn't want it?"

"Excuse me?"

"You said stuff and then you seduced me. I was drunk, vulnerable and good looking and you took advantage of me."

For a little moment he thought saying this in a different situation would actually be a good line to flirt, but right now it only sounded bitter and hurt. Hurt, because she had successfully avoided this conversation for eleven years, and bitter, because he had no idea what on earth he could do to fix this damn mess they'd gotten themselves into.

He watched her flinch at his words.

"Okay, I was the one who was drunk, and you are not that good looking." She sounded even more

hurt. Maybe because she had indeed been drunk and hadn't really thought about the consequenses of their actions. Derek knew he was the one to blame. Did she hate him? She had every right to. But she only sounded hurt.

"Why do you hate me?", he asked, only to make sure she didn't. If she did, he wouldn't be able to take it. He found it hard to breath even thinking about the possibility that she did. She had been his best friend for ages, she couldn't just hate him now. She just couldn't.

He caught himself wishing he could hold her. She looked terribly lonely right now, her defences torn down. Like she was so close to running away crying. God, he didn't want her to cry. This was not her fault. Both of their lives had gotten messed up by one little mistake, his mistake. And he couldn't even bring himself to thinking it had been a mistake, which was probably the worst part of this. All he could see right now was her and the way she fought with herself. She looked... broken. Like she had actually believed she'd be able to avoid this conversation forever. Her arms were tightly wrapped around her body, seeming like the last wall between her and her little world of avoidance and denial and him and the truth.

"I don't-... I have to hate you, okay? How the hell can I survive this self-made crap if I don't hate you? Besides, you're the one who hates me." Her voice sounded more and more desperate, it got a little louder and angrier during the last two sentence, but he knew she just tried (and failed) to hide how hurt she was. And that she didn't hate him. That she'd do anything to make him not hate her. He totally forgot his anger. How could he be angry at this tiny person that seemed so lonely and lost? She actually thought he hated her. All this time she had blamed herself for the uncomfortable silence that was created whenever they got in the same room.

"I don't hate you. It happened, okay? It just happened."

"Yeah, exactly. And I didn't plan on meeting you here or anywhere without having Addie around. So, professional, please."

"Can't we just go back to being friends?"

"You were never just a friend for me!", she yelled while turning around to face him, tears sparkling in her eyes now. His met them immediately. They looked at each other for what seemed like an eternity, shocked about what she had just said. It wasn't even the tears that made him want to wrap his arms around her and hold her till she was alright again, till she wasn't broken anymore, it was the fact that this was the first time they were actually looking into each others' eyes since the wedding. The short look in the hallway had been an accident, an unsuspectant look. Now there was this almost unbearable tension in the air. And neither of them were able to figure out what it was. Anger, disappointment, pain, broken dreams or long-forgotten desire, Derek didn't know. He only knew that she was hurt, really deeply hurt. It hadn't been just a little crush, it hadn't been pure desire. She had been in love with him. She _was_ in love with him. And that was the little detail he had overlooked all these years. The little detail that explained everything. He'd simply missed it. Ignored it. Maybe he'd known and denied it. He felt like an ass.

Then she lowered her eyes, breaking the contact as unsuspectantly as it had been created.

"So no, no friends. You're an attending and I'm your intern. That's it."

She left the stairwells quickly, starting to run on her way out. He knew she'd find a place where she wouldn't be found. A place where she could succumb to her tears, where the sobbing and whimpering would shake her body. One hell of a long time ago, he would have followed her and held her until everything was a little better again. Now, all he could do was stand there and wish she had slapped him or something instead of running away after a look like that.

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**Sorry, no rambling today. Hope I'll get to update soon, but I can't promise anything.**


	6. Reasons why this life sucks

**Hey there guys! I have a huge request! In my profile you can find a link to my blog, but it's a German one (written in English, of course) and I'm not quite sure whether people from other countries have access. You don't need to read anything (I'd be glad, though), just tell me whether it works. I'd be so happy! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's. Nah. I don't. Really not. All I own is my beloved laptop and a lot of crazy ideas. Well, I could have done worse. **

**A/N: Gottcha a new update! Hope you enjoy... Please review!

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_**Chapter Six - **__**There are reasons why I think this life sucks**_

'God, this can't be happening.'

Of course, Derek had somehow managed to remain a big part of her life.

'It's not like you've spent the last twelve years of your life trying to forget him.', she thought, sarcasm in the stupid voice in her head. It kind of reminded her of Cristina, one of the interns she was going to work with. Great, that didn't really help.

Seeing him again at Thanksgiving and Christmas and other oppertunities to meet the family hadn't really helped. Which was why she had skipped some of the major events pretending she was sick and couldn't come. He was her sister's husband, after all, and having slept with him the day before their wedding wasn't exactly a good thing if you wanted to pretend you were just friends with someone. She had just been grateful for having Mark by her side, holding her hand when she was too occupied trying not to run out of the room to realize that people were talking to her.

And now he was here. Being Derek, being the guy she had been in love with forever, being the guy who broke her heart just by doing the right thing. Everything was working out so wonderfully. She was still – or again – with Mark, both trying but failing to make each other and themselves believe they didn't have other people on their minds. King and queen of denial. Denial was good, denial was healthy... Oh, who was she kidding?

She hated herself for not fighting. And she hated Mark for not fighting. They were losers. Mark was there. He was great. He cared about her, he didn't love, but at least care, which was so much more than anyone had ever been able to give her. Still, she didn't want to be with him. He just wasn't enough. And he didn't want to be with her, because she wasn't enough either, even though she was there and great and she cared about him, too. They both cared, nothing more than that. They wanted to be with other people. Other people who they just couldn't have. Meredith and Mark were king and queen of denial, even if they refused to admit that. There was no way they would ever get what they wanted, so maybe, denial wasn't even a bad thing. But it sucked. And Meredith was screwed. And Derek was her boss now. She hated how fate liked to torture her.

'This so isn't happening.'

Okay, in some situations denial didn't work. Not even for the queen of denial.

_**Flashback **__**IV The annual game of avoidance and denial**_

"_So, how are you and Mark doing?", John said, smiling __in a I'm-interestend-in-my-stepdaughter's-lovelife-I'm-a-good-stepfather way at Meredith. Sometimes she hated her stepfather for being so damn curious about everything that was going on with her. He obviously didn't seem to realize this was one of the most dreaded questions he used to ask every time they had a meet-the-family-get-together-little-thingy. She hated talking about her private life, especially if it was as messed up as it was right now. She could talk about med school, her crazy friends and the things she hated about being a med student, but her love life was the one topic she liked best if it wasn't talked about, not even mentioned. She avoided it, even if she was with Mark, even if he held her hand, assuring her she wasn't the only person in the room that didn't want to talk about that, even if he gave her a little kiss on the forehead to prove everyone they were just fine. She hated that topic._

_And she and Mark were not the only people at the table who didn't want to talk about it. It was always so hard not to look at Derek when the conversation turned in the direction of her love life. She was feeling guilty around him, she always felt guilty. Guilty and disappointed. Disappointed because he actually sat there, next to her sister, avoiding to look at someone he had considered to be his best friend once. Hell, they were no friends anymore. Not after what had happened. Not after the wedding. And actually he had never been just her friend. She had always expected to marry him one day and all she had gotten was one stupid drunk night with him the day before he got married to her sister. No, she couldn't be friends with him and he didn't even bother to look at her. He hadn't bothered to look at her since she got out of her room, leaving him naked in her bed and since the wedding, the last time they had dared to share a look. It was most likely that he hated her. He probably thought she was this stupid sleaze who had made him cheat on the love of his life. She probably was this stupid sleaze who had made him cheat on the love of his life. He had every right to hate her. _

_Still, it felt awkward faking a smile every time she had to meet him, avoiding his eyes that were never looking at her anymore these days, pretending she was happy with Mark, she was glad he and Addison were still fine and that nothing had happened between her and Derek the night before his wedding. The __bad part was that he knew exactly that she was neither happy nor glad and that something had indeed happened. Even if it had only been one stupid drunk night. She was not the Meredith he had loved like a sister anymore. She was not Meredith at all anymore. She was someone he had to hate for being this stupid sleaze who had made him cheat on the love of his life. She sighed._

"_We're fine.", she said, trying to sound honest and happy, and was a little surprised that it didn't sound like a totally absurd lie. Okay, maybe it sounded a little like: "Drop the topic and leave it at that." And actually it was no lie. They were fine, in their Meredith-and-Mark kind of way. They lived together, they talked to each other, they had great sex. Everything was fine. They just weren't in love. It was a silent agreement, that they didn't talk about the fact that their hearts belonged to two other people. They were together because they didn't want to be alone. It was the only reasonable thing to do. It was way better being miserable together than being miserable alone. So, yes, actually they were fine. Just not in the happy-couple kind of way, but in the Meredith-and-Mark kind of way. It was about compassion and comfort, and about getting laid. The dirty ex-mistresses, best friends with a sex life. _

_Derek still wasn't looking at her. He was looking down at his plate, seeming very occupied with eating his roast beef. Addie didn't seem to be enjoying this whole love life talk either. Especially because any minute they could be asking her the same question, and she didn't really seem to like answering with Mer and Mark listening. Meredith had asked herself more than once how she dealt with this. It was very unlikely that she knew about her little sister and her husband, but she had had sex with Mark. Meredith wasn't judging her or anything, but she was wondering. Sitting at the same table with her husband and her very own "dirty ex-mistress"... It had to feel weird. _

'_Of course it feels weird. You're doing the same exact thing, Meredith!", she heard the familiar voice in her head interrupting her thoughts again. Unfortunately it was right. And it made her want to throw up in disgust. She didn't want to be this girl. She didn't want to be her sister's husband's dirty ex-mistress. She so didn't want to be this girl. _

_When it had happened, she had wanted it. She had thought it would be only for a night so that she would be able to go on with her life afterwards. She had thought it would be okay having Derek around, even if she had slept with him, even if she was in love with him. She had thought it was goodbye. Apparently things had not worked out the way they should have. When she left him in her room it had been alright. During the ceremony it had been alright. At the party afterwards it had been alright. The wounds had still been fresh, neither of them expecting scars. They hadn't had enough time to think about what they had done to have digested it. It hadn't hurt. She hadn't expected the pain to come creeping into her heart when she had gotten back home. And it had been far more awkward, even painful, to meet him again the first time they had seen each other after the wedding._

"_And how about you? Are you and Derek alright?" Her stepfather's question interrupted her train of thoughts. It was pointed in Addison's direction now and Meredith could feel herself grabbing Mark's hand under the table. Not one of their relatives seemed to notice what John's simple questions did to the four people they were addressed to. They never did. It was like a tradition, an annual game of avoidance and denial, and all they could do was play it with them. But then again, Meredith was the freaking queen of denial and avoidance. She was always good at the game. And the others were getting better at it, too. _

'_Yeah, Mer, the game is fun!', the sarcastic voice in her head said grinning. Meredith couldn't do anything but think:_

'_Oh, shut up!"_

"_We could not be any better, Dad.", Addie said, her smile seeming honest, but right now it was only a mask. Concerning Meredith and Mark, they could be better. Usually they were fine, Meredith knew they were fine, but not as long as the dirty ex-mistresses were around. And she hated the fact that she was one of them. That she would always be one of them. _


End file.
